Dear Britney

Dear Britney,

It is not often a girl your age finds themselves in such an outstanding position in life. Your early rise to fame seemed to be self-induced, without the enabling, pressure filled, money hungry ramblings of a stage mother, a la Dina Lohan. You worked hard, trained, studied, honed your craft. Your popularity soared, your bank account grew, awards and accolades of all types came in droves, and your success had reached a definite summit. What a tremendous list of accomplishments, and what a fantastic legacy.

It's a terrible shame that you didn't retire at that point in your career.

What are you thinking? What the hell are you doing? Earth to Britney, do you copy? I sometimes wonder if this is the first public display of an alien taking over a human body. Oh, please let it be so, that would explain so much.

When you and Christina were going head to head, I always cheered for you. You were the naturally sexy girl, trying to be a bit skanky at times, but not really succeeding. (Christina was the naturally skanky chick, trying to be sexy, but not really succeeding.) You were half of America's golden couple, and what a beautiful pair. (Umm...I was going to get on your case about that, but seeing as you've freed up Justin for me, I'll let it slide...) You were perhaps the most recognized name and face in popular music, nobody could touch you. There really is truth in the old adage "nowhere to go but down".

You appear before me, on trashy magazine covers, on perezhilton.com, on Access Hollywood, a mere shell of your former glory, barely recognizable as someone who used to be adored by so many. Married for five minutes to some weird hick thanks to a Las Vegas bender? Married AGAIN to the only person in Hollywood who already had more kids than Brangelina? Two babies being drug around to movie sets, video shoots, and shopping sprees? Two babies being left home every night while Mommy goes out on the town making a fool of herself? Once successful, twice pregnant, twice divorced, what a hard fall. All the money in the world and not a brain cell to spare. A beautiful girl, reduced to a head-shaving, gum-chewing, interview-botching, alcoholic disaster with a nasty weave and a bad accent. Shameful.

I realize that the constant paparazzi presence doesn't help, and here's my advice to you in that regard: tell them everything. The gossip vultures want what they can't have. If you're trying to hide your rehab stint, new relationship, weight gain - the cameras are there in full force, lapping it up like starving dogs. But if you try desperately hard to get media attention, you end up with an overrated, over-reported wedding ceremony in France that nobody cares about, right Mrs. Longoria-Parker? Mrs. Electra-Navaro? Fame-hizzores, we'll call them. Crickets chirping because all the attention made it boring, unexclusive. Had they banned cameras, tried to get away secretly, Jan Carl would have been scaling walls for a clean shot of the wedding gown. So dupe them! Hold a press conference to let people know you're going for burgers and fries. Hold another one the day after to tell them you've switched conditioners. Eventually they'll get bored of you and move on to whichever celebrity is trying to keep a secret. Only then will you be able to plan a comeback - right now there's too much smut for them to report. They'd much rather see you falter than succeed, so as long as you're going to continue this very public psychotic break, don't expect people to be waiting with baited breath for your triumphant return. They're too busy waiting for your return to Promises Rehab Center to worry about your music.

So Britney, I don't know what else to say to you, but I hope this candid letter finds you in good health and with an open mind. An emotional meltdown is hard to watch, especially when it's happening to someone who was at the top of their game. Stay home at night, take care of your kids, don't accept Paris' invitations for "girls night out", and stay off my tv for awhile. If you want to find success again, you can - but you'll find the most happiness in dignity and respect. And those things you won't find at 3am at Koi bar in Hollywood. Don't give people so much ammunition, and you'll find yourself taking fewer shots.

Sincerely, Watching, waiting & wishing (ok, and laughing)