Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Color Purple

I saw the funniest political cartoon the other day. It was a huge picture of Oprah breastfeeding a baby Barack Obama. (Whoever writes/draws those things is a genius of John Stewart proportions.)

Oprah Winfrey is a very interesting subject. There is no middle ground with this woman - people either love her and adore her, or they despise her and want her off the air. But one thing is for certain: everyone knows who she is, and everyone has at least some opinion of her.

This is what I think.
I think women are much bigger fans of Oprah than men are, and I think there are two main reasons for this. First, Oprah is intimidating. She's a big personality, loud, unabashed, honest, rich, successful, powerful, with a zero poop-tolerance. She does not back down from dealing with tough issues that most people would choose to ignore. These traits must be difficult for some men to deal with. It is much easier for them to just call her names and roll their eyes at her, than it is to admit that she might just be more woman than they could handle, and could wipe the floor clean with them. Men have issues with that kind of thing. Sorry, men.
Secondly, Oprah attributes a great deal of human behavior to emotional and psychological influences, things that plenty of men don't want to discuss. "Mushy girl stuff" doesn't usually appeal to their practical nature, and Oprah loves talking about mushy girl stuff.
Anyway, I digress.

After laughing hysterically at this political cartoon, I started thinking about people's impression of Oprah. One thing that you often hear discussed, frequently, is that Oprah is racist, something I think is completely untrue. I know I'm supposed to be saying African-American (at least I think that's the politically correct terminology), but for the sake of not having to type those 16 characters over and over again, I'll use black....that should be ok for me to say since she often refers to herself as black. Oh well, I'll take my chances.
Oprah is black. A great number of her guests are also black. Plenty of the causes she supports and projects she's involved in have to do with issues in the black community. That this leads people to believe she's racist is complete hypocricy. I'm white. If someone told me to invision a woman who had been beaten by her husband, or a man who's beaten the odds and thrived with a severe disability, I would automatically picture a white woman and a white man. This has nothing to do with me being racist, it has to do with a tendancy to initially relate to people of my own race. It's not because I think that no black women are beaten by their husbands, nor is it because I don't think a black man could overcome a disability. So when Oprah's producers approach her with an idea for a show about great current musical performers, she might be first inclined to book Alicia Keys, where Dr. Phil might automatically think of Justin Timberlake. And when she's trying to book guests for a show about working mothers, the mothers she first pictures are probably going to be black. Do you see what I mean? It's about relating and familiarity and habit, rather than an intentional snub to white people. Maybe I haven't given the greatest explanation, but I'm sure someone catches my drift.
I also feel it necessary to mention how, 1)she is equally hard on every race and ethnicity when she smells B.S.; 2)she is eager to praise every race and ethnicity when she witnesses greatness, and; 3)she can do whatever she wants, since it's her TV show, and millions and billions of people are going to watch it regardless of what she does.

So here she is, Ms. O, publicly supporting a presidential candidate for the first time in her career, and he's black. Well guess what, I'm inclined to support Barack Obama too, and I'm white as the driven snow. Though I suspect our main reasons for liking him are different, I think we have one reason in common. Racism is a huge issue in the United States, even moreso than in Canada, I believe. What better way to turn all the back-woods, bigoted hillbillies on their ear, than to elect a black president? This might be an irresponsible reason, but it is excused by the fact that Mr. Obama is very intelligent and qualified, making him, in my opinion, an excellent candidate for Leader of the Free World. The fact that he's black is just icing on the cake for me, as I'm sure it is for Oprah as well, irresponsible or not.

I think racism is immature and petty. There are plenty of white people I love, and probably an equal number who I wish would get shot with a ball of their own snot. There are plenty of black people who are accomplished and outstanding, and plenty who are a pain in the ass. Character has nothing to do with race, and when people start to judge others based on character instead of race, the world will be a well-oiled machine.

It wouldn't matter if she was purple, I love Oprah. She's a smart lady with a good heart. I don't think she's racist at all. In fact, I think we share the same view of racism.

And what woman doesn't want to have something in common with Oprah?!?

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

The Honorable Premier Ashley MacIssac??

A few months ago, I received an invitation to join a Facebook group called, "Make Cape Breton Canada's 11th Province!"....oh how cute, I thought....and I joined. Up until a few weeks ago, I thought it was a joke, a group probably started by some half-drunk political science student from UCCB (before you harp, yes, I know it goes by UCB now, but it will always be UCCB to most of us). But it's not a joke or a statement or a prank...it's an actual movement.

If you mosie on over to www.provinceofcapebreton.com , you'll find a plethora of information about this movement. The guy behind it is named Mark Macneill, a man from Mabou. This guy is no crackerjack dreamer; I have exchanged emails with him, and he comes across as a very intelligent man with a purpose and, more importantly, a plan. He is passionate about this provincehood movement, and has the facts, history, and vision to back it up. I had planned on writing with a summary and opinions and details, but I wouldn't even know where to begin, having tried several times. You are best left to log into the website and read for yourself.

It did get me thinking though, about the ramifications of this potential map alteration. What would Cape Breton really be like if we were, finally, our own province?

It's a running joke that mainland Nova Scotia is just a body of land off the coast of Cape Breton. Cape Bretoners are loud and proud and unique, a fact understood and accepted throughout Canada, and well documented to boot. My brother, before he left to go out west, had a huge "CAPE BRETONER FOR LIFE" tattoo emblazoned on his forearm, just to be sure everyone knew his mindset (what a patriot, I guess?). God help the person who would venture into Smooth Hermans and start a rant about how Halifax is a great city to represent Nova Scotia, or that Cape Breton is a back-woods kind of place. I'm not sure that person would make it out of the bar, or the island, alive.

Still in all, for the sake of humour, I'll continue. Caution to those Cape Bretoners who can't take a joke: you might want to stop reading now.

So let's say we did earn the title of Canada's 11th province...what next? First things first, it's Cape Breton....we'd have a HUGE party to celebrate. Yipee! Centre 200 jam packed with camoflage ski-doo suits as far as the eye can see. There would have to be an open bar (oh no, first day as it's own province and we've already accumulated a $4 million dollar deficit), and karaoke with Phil Kasouf. At the end of the night, the people who aren't fighting or smoking outside would see the unveiling of our provincial flag - Cape Breton tartan with a big Alexander Keith's symbol in the middle. Before the crowd dispersed, we could all join in with the Barra MacNeils and sing our national anthem...."We are an island, a rock in the stream, we are a people...."...c'mon, you know the words! What a great night that would be.

I guess we'd need a Premier before long. Rodney MacDonald might seem like the logical choice, being a homegrown boy himself, but he's in business on the mainland now. In a perfect world, it would come down to Ashley MacIsaac and Nash Brogan, wouldn't I just love to see that voting ballot. Whoever got the job, they could set up the Premier's office at UCB, and give free tuition to any student who could beat them in a drinking game. A sitting of the legislature could take place at Steel City, where all the ministers could take turns on the poker machines during the downtime. Randy MacDonald & Bob MacEachern could do a media scrum outside afterwards, and the Cape Breton post could cover all the action in print. I can see the headline now: "First CB Legislature Sits Over Potato Skins & Cheap Bar Shots".

Joe MacPhee could be the Sultan of St. Peter's, where Breakin' Tradition t-shirts would be mandatory attire to gain admission into the Lion's Hall dances.

Gordie Sampson could be Ambassador to Nashville.

Cape Breton Correction Centre, instead of throwing people in solitary confinement, would punish prisoners by playing Natalie MacMaster albums on a loop and making them eat fried mackrel.

The Summertime Revue could return to headline a concert at the Savoy Theatre, benefitting the Citizens Against Strip Mining and Christmas Daddies, respectively.

Cape Breton Regional Police would become the provincial police force, and God help us all.

Rita's Tea Room would be declared a Provincial Historic Site, as would the Blue Mist in Bras D'Or, The Carriage House in Port Hawkesbury, and the house that the Rankin Family grew up in.

Anyone born at St. Martha's in Antigonish instead of St. Rita's in Sydney would need immigration status.

All road signs would be posted in English, French, Gaelic, and MicMac, making it just as difficult as ever for a person to figure out where in the hell Forchu is at.

Oh, how I could go on and on and on.

But I won't.

I sincerely hope that Mr. Macneill finds success, although I'm still up in the air as to whether Cape Breton Island as its own province would be a viable prospect. Whatever your opinion, one thing is for sure: it has lots of potential to be the most interesting province, by a mile.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Of Style, Mediocrity & Fist-Fighting Has-Beens: The 2007 MTV VMAs

I normally wouldn't sit through this awards show, but there truly was nothing else on.

My thoughts.....

- Who were the winners hosting the pre-show? Maybe someone recognized them, but I sure didn't. These guys followed in the sad, pathetic footsteps of Mary Hart and Joan Rivers before them, groveling and keister-smooching any A-, B-, C- or D-list celebrity within earshot. With all journalistic integrity completely flushed down the crapper, one guy felt free to gush to Dave Grohl, of all people, about him being, "the guest I'm most excited to see tonight, even more than Britney". Buddy, who do you think you're fooling? Not me, and certainly not Dave. You're wearing more lip gloss than Ashanti, dressed in a pink ascot, which you described as 'fabulous' at least twice - admit it, Britney is your world and you think Dave Grohl is an ogre.
Couldn't the MTV people at least have gotten Seacrest? Or Vanessa Manillo? I'm sure her schedule was free.

- This year's show should have been billed "Britney's Comeback", since that's all anyone has been talking about for the past week. A few words about Britney:
I would have expected her to lapse out of her drug-induced coma at least long enough to perform, but it doesn't appear that she timed her meds right. Did she know where she was? Who she was? Maybe she thought it was a dress rehearsal and didn't require any effort, energy, or enthusiasm whatsoever. Because if that was her comeback, she's in big trouble. Once the Goddess of Inappropriate Gyrating, this performance didn't even cause a blip on the sensor's radars, nor did it make the cut with the nine fans she has left. And to make matters worse, she's forgotten how to lip-sync! Her bread and butter! Her only option now is to become the poster child for Pro-Tools Pitch Correction Software......can you hear that sound? Ya, that's Kevin Federline laughing his butt off.
One brief note in Britney's defense: lots of critics are talking about how she is "out of shape". In a world where lack of visible spine and pelvic bones is considered fat, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But this little tart just had two babies about five minutes ago! She might not have the same snake-wielding stripper body she once had, but she looked great to me, and she's far from "the fat chick". And, incidentally, I'm totally diggin' that new song of hers.

- And the MTV VMA for Best Awards Show Entertainer goes to: Sarah Silverman. She killed me.

- There must have been a misprint in Beyonce's invitation. Why else would she have dressed up like an Academy Award? This girl could wear anything, so I can't imagine why she chose an ill-fitting, gold lamme, African-American-Statue-of-Liberty costume.

-Fergie didn't show up to claim her award for: Best Attempt At "Being One Of The Guys/High School Ghetto Princess" Schtick A La Gwen Stefani. (Maybe it was for best song or video or something, I don't know...who cares.) I understand her absence, though. If I had the hotness that is Josh Duhamel waiting at home for me, I wouldn't leave for some silly awards show either.

- Chris Brown should be a professional dancer, very cool performance, albeit badly lip-synced. But dude, these days the whole Michael Jackson impression thing is reserved for cute little six-year-olds on Star Search. When you and Usher do it, it's just weird.

- Attention Kanye: Max Headroom wants his glasses back. Just because something is old, doesn't make it cool and retro. Sometimes it's just old. And those glasses are the perfect example.

- Some girls should just never go blonde. Someone should have told Nelly Furtado.

- Did you see Samuel L. Jackson dressed in drag!?! He was presenting an award for.....oh wait.....no nevermind, that's Mary J. Blige. Wow, she's got shoulders like a linebacker! Mary J., stick to the teleprompter, dear. We wouldn't want you to pull a mental muscle.

- I've been unwillingly brainwashed into wanting peanut-free Mars bars, flip phones with beaver spokesmen, and Gwen Stefani's new fragrance. Those commercials were on a friggin loop the whole broadcast.

- Was Dr. Dre really the biggest icon they could find? Really?? I thought he was just the guy driving the Batmobile in that Eminem video. Maybe no one else was available.

- Linkin Park hasn't been relevant since 2001. Sorry.

- For a large man, Timbaland is looking pretty damn good. Not in a Speedo I'm sure, but he's working that jeans & t-shirt thing to the max. Speaking of looking damn good, Alicia Keys has got quite the body on her, geez.

- Tommy Lee and Kid Rock got in a big brawl over their mutual mega-flake ex-, Pamela Anderson. Seems like a waste of energy to me. She married and divorced both of them about four hundred times, I'm sure they'll each get another turn eventually.

- Fall Out Boy rules, they were great.

- To Jamie Foxx: nobody bought your last seventeen albums. No award presentation, no copious amount of alcohol you ingest, no awkward conversation with Jennifer Garner, will make people want to buy the upcoming album you shamelessly and drunkenly plugged throughout your presentation speech.

- Did you notice, when Timberlake/baland/Furtado came out to close the show, most of the audience had already left? That's what happen when you hype the "biggest awards show of the year" and then quarantine the actual talent in seperate suites, leaving the main show to be held in a makeshift dinner theatre.



That's it for me. Tune in next year ladies & gents, when Rico Suave makes his comeback, Kanye wears MC Hammer pants, and the Icon Award is presented to Kris Kross.

Saturday, September 8, 2007

Re-open the Butterscotch Palace

I do not intend to make light of the disappearance and possible death of a little girl, nor am I mocking mental illness in any way, but I have to ask: wouldn't the good ol' Butterscotch Palace seem like the perfect place for parents who intentionally harm their kids?

I haven't really followed the story of this little girl, Madeleine McCann, who disappeared from her bed on vacation in Portugal while her parents dined close by. But her parents have, in recent days, been named official suspects in her disappearance, since Madeleine's blood was found in their rental car almost a month after she vanished. The police now suspect that the little girl was accidentally killed by one or both of her parents, and that they didn't dispose of the body until later.

It could be that the Portugese police have run out of leads and are wrongly suspecting the parents. These people could be grieving and miserable, now nervous about a loss of focus in their daughter's investigation, and completely innocent; I have no idea. But if this girl WAS killed by her parents, I have to wonder: what kind of deranged people kill their kids?

It seems as though it's in the news more and more these days. Murder-suicide, leaving mothers and fathers and children dead. Someone fed up with life takes their pain and frustration out on their kids, leaving them shot or driven into a body of water or shaken to death, or worse. The argument always seems to be the same: "I had a psychotic break, I thought they would be better off dead than alive, I did it for them." Well...how thoughtful. Your "Parent of the Year" award is in the mail.

A psychotic break that results in the death of your child is reason and cause for your institutionalization, in my books. A parent's responsibility, first and foremost, regardless of the circumstances, is to protect their child from harm. Failure to do that is something which, unfortunately, sometimes can't be helped; the effort put into ensuring the safety of your kids is what must help families coping with accidental death sleep at night. For a parent to intentionally negate this duty is criminal, in my opinion, and for the parent to intentionally bring harm, injury, or death to their child, is INSANITY.

Think of it this way: a man is holding a gun to your child's head, and says he'll shoot if you don't hand over your wallet. It is a parent's responsibility to hand it over, as any one of us would do in a heartbeat, with a big smile on our face, if it meant our kid would be safe. For a parent to not hand over their wallet? That's criminal, and one would have to question that person's sanity. But for a parent to be the one holding the gun?? What kind of person is that? A sick one, as far as I'm concerned.

My kids can take me to the brink sometimes. There are days where I think my hair will just spontaneously turn white, and that I might not make it through the day without booking a ticket to France and getting away for a few years. I'm home with my kids all day, my husband and I never get an evening to ourselves, and I deal with the same problems that any average family does, maybe more. But I would never hurt my kids. There are times when I have to walk away from them, for fear of putting them outside with a "For Sale" sign around their little necks, but I would never hurt them. Neither would the majority of you. The people who can't deal with life, with problems, and who snap and kill their own kids, need to live in a psychiatric hospital, there are no two ways about it. If they'd kill their own kids, what would they do to me? Or to you? Or to Joe Blow down the street?

And this is to say nothing of the parents who "accidentally" kill their kids. I'm not sure what "accidentally" killing someone would involve, in fact I shudder to think, but anyway...suppose it was an accident. Your child is laying at your feet, in pain, or bleeding, or unconscious, or worse. Wouldn't your first instinct be to call the police? The ambulance? To spill your guts? Ooze remorse and emotion at the loss of your child? Or if not, once the police came asking questions, wouldn't you tell them everything you could in an effort to explain yourself and comfort the rest of your family?
A better question might be...if you had "accidentally" killed your own child, would you hide the body, report her disappearance to the police, and launch an international search for her? Or would these be the actions of a parent who lost their temper, got carried away, and now doesn't want to accept responsibility for their actions? Think about it. These are not the actions of parents whose daughter had "an accident".

Not the most well-worded, cohesive blog on record, but I attribute that to the painkillers and lack of sleep. One thing is for sure: if I ever did anything to my kids, I would hold no ill-will toward the person who turned me into the Nova Scotia Hospital and threw away the key.

Long live the memory and intention of the Butterscotch Palace.

Friday, September 7, 2007

Friday

For the few of you who might be wondering, I haven't forgotten about this blog. Over the past week or so, I have been having some tooth issues, causing severe pain and, at times, a feeling of drunkenness thanks to the powerful cornucopia of medication I'm taking. It's extremely difficult to think about blogging when it feels as though the left side of your face is about to fall off at any moment.
The main reason for my absence has been a lack of material (slow news week, overall). As with everything else, it never rains, it pours, and now there are a dozen different topics I'd like to write about...as soon as the throbbing ceases, I'll be back.