Of Style, Mediocrity & Fist-Fighting Has-Beens: The 2007 MTV VMAs

I normally wouldn't sit through this awards show, but there truly was nothing else on.

My thoughts.....

- Who were the winners hosting the pre-show? Maybe someone recognized them, but I sure didn't. These guys followed in the sad, pathetic footsteps of Mary Hart and Joan Rivers before them, groveling and keister-smooching any A-, B-, C- or D-list celebrity within earshot. With all journalistic integrity completely flushed down the crapper, one guy felt free to gush to Dave Grohl, of all people, about him being, "the guest I'm most excited to see tonight, even more than Britney". Buddy, who do you think you're fooling? Not me, and certainly not Dave. You're wearing more lip gloss than Ashanti, dressed in a pink ascot, which you described as 'fabulous' at least twice - admit it, Britney is your world and you think Dave Grohl is an ogre.
Couldn't the MTV people at least have gotten Seacrest? Or Vanessa Manillo? I'm sure her schedule was free.

- This year's show should have been billed "Britney's Comeback", since that's all anyone has been talking about for the past week. A few words about Britney:
I would have expected her to lapse out of her drug-induced coma at least long enough to perform, but it doesn't appear that she timed her meds right. Did she know where she was? Who she was? Maybe she thought it was a dress rehearsal and didn't require any effort, energy, or enthusiasm whatsoever. Because if that was her comeback, she's in big trouble. Once the Goddess of Inappropriate Gyrating, this performance didn't even cause a blip on the sensor's radars, nor did it make the cut with the nine fans she has left. And to make matters worse, she's forgotten how to lip-sync! Her bread and butter! Her only option now is to become the poster child for Pro-Tools Pitch Correction Software......can you hear that sound? Ya, that's Kevin Federline laughing his butt off.
One brief note in Britney's defense: lots of critics are talking about how she is "out of shape". In a world where lack of visible spine and pelvic bones is considered fat, I guess I shouldn't be surprised. But this little tart just had two babies about five minutes ago! She might not have the same snake-wielding stripper body she once had, but she looked great to me, and she's far from "the fat chick". And, incidentally, I'm totally diggin' that new song of hers.

- And the MTV VMA for Best Awards Show Entertainer goes to: Sarah Silverman. She killed me.

- There must have been a misprint in Beyonce's invitation. Why else would she have dressed up like an Academy Award? This girl could wear anything, so I can't imagine why she chose an ill-fitting, gold lamme, African-American-Statue-of-Liberty costume.

-Fergie didn't show up to claim her award for: Best Attempt At "Being One Of The Guys/High School Ghetto Princess" Schtick A La Gwen Stefani. (Maybe it was for best song or video or something, I don't know...who cares.) I understand her absence, though. If I had the hotness that is Josh Duhamel waiting at home for me, I wouldn't leave for some silly awards show either.

- Chris Brown should be a professional dancer, very cool performance, albeit badly lip-synced. But dude, these days the whole Michael Jackson impression thing is reserved for cute little six-year-olds on Star Search. When you and Usher do it, it's just weird.

- Attention Kanye: Max Headroom wants his glasses back. Just because something is old, doesn't make it cool and retro. Sometimes it's just old. And those glasses are the perfect example.

- Some girls should just never go blonde. Someone should have told Nelly Furtado.

- Did you see Samuel L. Jackson dressed in drag!?! He was presenting an award for.....oh wait.....no nevermind, that's Mary J. Blige. Wow, she's got shoulders like a linebacker! Mary J., stick to the teleprompter, dear. We wouldn't want you to pull a mental muscle.

- I've been unwillingly brainwashed into wanting peanut-free Mars bars, flip phones with beaver spokesmen, and Gwen Stefani's new fragrance. Those commercials were on a friggin loop the whole broadcast.

- Was Dr. Dre really the biggest icon they could find? Really?? I thought he was just the guy driving the Batmobile in that Eminem video. Maybe no one else was available.

- Linkin Park hasn't been relevant since 2001. Sorry.

- For a large man, Timbaland is looking pretty damn good. Not in a Speedo I'm sure, but he's working that jeans & t-shirt thing to the max. Speaking of looking damn good, Alicia Keys has got quite the body on her, geez.

- Tommy Lee and Kid Rock got in a big brawl over their mutual mega-flake ex-, Pamela Anderson. Seems like a waste of energy to me. She married and divorced both of them about four hundred times, I'm sure they'll each get another turn eventually.

- Fall Out Boy rules, they were great.

- To Jamie Foxx: nobody bought your last seventeen albums. No award presentation, no copious amount of alcohol you ingest, no awkward conversation with Jennifer Garner, will make people want to buy the upcoming album you shamelessly and drunkenly plugged throughout your presentation speech.

- Did you notice, when Timberlake/baland/Furtado came out to close the show, most of the audience had already left? That's what happen when you hype the "biggest awards show of the year" and then quarantine the actual talent in seperate suites, leaving the main show to be held in a makeshift dinner theatre.



That's it for me. Tune in next year ladies & gents, when Rico Suave makes his comeback, Kanye wears MC Hammer pants, and the Icon Award is presented to Kris Kross.