Part Two - The Blue Donkeys

Since my last column, Huckabee has almost run out of cash, the guy from Law & Order dropped out of the race, Romney is losing what little steam he had, Rudy isn't doing nearly as well in Florida as was expected (sorry, Duane), and John McCain has somehow become the Republican front runner. And so it goes.
I give you, the Democrats.

John Edwards
Let's just get him out of the way, shall we? I still haven't figured out how, but a monumental bore has managed to find himself in a close and respectable third place among the Democrats. Maybe his stolen Bill Clinton thumb gesture is what puts me off about this guy, but it doesn't really make a difference either way, since it's a two-person race on the Democratic side. Still, it will be interesting, when he doesn't win the party nomination, to see which candidate will get his run-off votes.

Hillary Clinton
I believe women are just as smart as men, and that we are just as capable of analyzing, strategizing, and problem solving. I think a woman could be President, but I do not think a woman SHOULD be President, least of all Hillary Clinton. The President's image is detrimental to America's reputation, and in a world where women aren't yet globally accepted as equals, having a female stand as the figurehead for "The Most Powerful Country in the World" is not going to do much to restore their ever-shrinking credibility. Now, before all you feminists start burning the "Traitor Gina" flag, I'm not saying she's any less capable than her male counterparts (well, most of them, anyway). But, in my opinion, women who are in powerful positions like Hillary shouldn't waste their time defending their gender and fighting critics who don't want them to have the glory. She could easily run the country in the background, perhaps as Vice President, let a man take the credit, but still make sure things are handled "her way" (gee, sounds like a marriage).
Another thing, do Americans want a leader who gets choked up when asked about the pressures of running a campaign? I doubt it. Whether her tears were strategic or genuine, a President should be able to keep his/her emotions in check. Composure is key, and I think Hillary has the gender disadvantage on this one.
Add to this her image and likability issues, and things get even worse. Whether it's her wooden demeanor or those ill-fitting pantsuits, she isn't appealing to female voters to the same extent as was expected. I can't really explain the reason for my distaste, except that it's a girl thing. She's like the rich soccer mom who smiles at the rest of us, then goes home and makes fun of our shoes and then fires her maid for not using the right fabric softener. There's just something very insincere about her.
And let's not forget - electing Hillary would mean letting the "First Gentleman" roam around the Oval Office again, and you saw how that worked out last time.

Barack Obama
Like a beacon of light, Obama is drawing people into his vision for a better America. He has a presence that makes him very Presidential. His speech, the way he greets and receives people, his body language, all speak to a natural leadership quality and likability, factors which should not be underestimated in this election. Americans are looking for "The Candidate of Change", and Obama wisely made that his mantra from the beginning. He is seen as the new Messiah of politics, a man with a vision of a better country, and voters are lapping it up, Oprah or no Oprah. His image is helped by his humble beginnings and his admissions of youthful stupidity, so he doesn't come off as pretentious. His attitude is hopeful, and his focus is on a happy ending for everyone. It all sounds a little too good to be true, but even the smear campaigns brought about by his rivals, aren't doing much to stop the Obama train from chugging swiftly down the track to a November victory. Voters nationwide are craving and demanding change, and it doesn't matter which color skin actually delivers this change, contrary to some assumptions. There is a lot to be said about a man whose concession speech in New Hampshire was more inspiring and much better received than the winner's victory speech. Hopefully he'll be able to keep the momentum going and come out on top, as he'd beat any Republican at this point. Who knows, maybe he'll even ask that Hillary chick to be his running mate.

Who's going to win? I'd bet on a Democrat over a Republican, and it will probably be Hillary Clinton, much to my disappointment. Now that I have that out of my system, you won't hear me talk about the election again, I promise. Adam Cooke does a better job of politics anyway.

Part One: The Red Elephants

One particular member of my household is irritated by my interest in U.S. politics, and refuses to accept that this year's election results will have any effect on my life here in Port Hawkesbury. Still, his complaining hasn't stopped me from embracing my inner geek and tuning in to CNN on a regular basis (yes, even more than usual) to follow the action. So, for those of you who don't care who wins, or who don't even know who's running, think of this as a briefing of the next three years of Saturday Night Live. I'll start Part One with a look at the Republicans.
The Republican race truly is wide open. Huckabee surprised everyone with a win in Iowa, McCain came out on top in New Hampshire, Romney took Michigan, and we haven't even reached Super Tuesday yet. Though I don't think a Republican will win the Presidency, it's fun watching them try, isn't it? Here are a few names you might recognize.

John McCain
Ah, the patriot. Not a huge departure from George W., at least in terms of "good ol' boy" attitudes and ideals. Left to Mr. McCain, an America full of gun-toting cowboys might be led to war forever and ever, Amen. I think he could make a significant contribution as Defense Secretary or Advisor to the President as to how to successfully end the war in Iraq, but at this juncture, I don't think voters are ever going to elect a relatively pro-Iraq-war candidate, who is one of the only contenders who won't commit to a timeframe for pulling troops out of the Middle East. Sorry, John. Maybe next time. (If you don't die of old age in the meantime.)


Fred Thompson
A notable name only because he's a recognizable face, this guy isn't so much a contender as he is a figure to lighten up the debates and the news coverage. You know him as Arthur Branch, the gruff District Attorney from Law & Order. His attempt to "pull a Ronald Regan" will be unsuccessful if the early primary results are any indication. A few appearances on Jay Leno won't be enough to usher him into the White House; these are tough times, and voters are looking for substance over style.
(*NOTE* - This joker decided, wisely, to drop out of the race yesterday, but I thought I'd mention him anyway)


Rudy Giuliani
I have a friend who is absolutely certain that Mr. 9/11 will be the next President, but I will be first in line to say "I told you so" in November. Giuliani's biggest mistake was waiting until the Florida primary to make any kind of effort, and letting the early momentum pass him by. Since the Republican field is so wide open, a late surge in popularity might give him a small chance at the nomination, but since a Democrat is going to win the election anyway, Giuliani is obsolete. Deliciously blunt, unconventional, and scandalous as far as potential Presidents go, but obsolete just the same.

Mitt Romney
This guy actually used to be a Democrat not so long ago, and I think his "180" is confusing a great many voters. After all, how can you be truly committed to and experienced with a certain set of morals and beliefs, if you held and practiced a completely different set for most of your life? I find it to be very wishy-washy politics, and I'm not alone. You also have to take image into consideration. "Mitt" seems like a highly appropriate name, since his face looks alarmingly like a brown, waxy catcher's mitt, likely as a result of overtanning. His uncanny resemblance to the original "Ken" doll, combined with his perceived phoniness and meager likability, will ensure that this Presidency can not be purchased by the Republican candidate who has raised the most money for his campaign.

Mike Huckabee
Huckabee plays the part of the chubby, goofy, likable candidate. Former pastor, family man, respected politician, isn't it all just bunny rabbits and rainbows with this guy. He may have been my favorite Republican, if not for the incriminating evidence I uncovered. You'll find, on YouTube, clips of a show called "Talking to Americans", on which Rick Mercer convinces people of ridiculous, untrue Canadian facts, to demonstrate how little they know about us up here. Imagine my surprise to see a 2002 clip of none other than Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, congratulating Canada on finally building a dome to protect our National Parliamentary Igloo from global warming. I'm not joking, and neither was he. Mercer told him that our Capitol building was actually made of ice, and he went along with it, as if it were a well-known fact the world over. Would you trust matters of foreign policy and international relations to someone who thinks Canadians pass laws in an igloo? It astounds me that this clip hasn't been uncovered and thrown in his face by another candidate, because if it was, I'm sure he would withdraw and head back to Arkansas with his tail between his legs.

And that's how I see the Republican party. Stay tuned for next week's Part Two, where I run down the Democrats.