Tuesday's Reality TV

It's almost too much for me to handle. Big Brother, a 2-hour American Idol, AND US Primaries, all in the same night? I thought I'd never get to bed.

First, Big Brother.

Ok, how much would I love to see Jen run over by a large piece of farm equipment? She tries to be this big hard ass..."now I have to bring it, it's on baby, no more fooling around, I have to show them who's boss"...ya right, who are you trying to kid? Every time someone looks at you the wrong way, you're curled up in the fetal position and bawling your eyes out. It's too late to be a tough guy after you've cried over a situation for a hour. Let it go. Move on. Go home. I don't like you.
Your boyfriend, on the other hand.....
Ryan is cute, but useless. And his partner is a bitch. Pretending to be a lesbian with the old broad probably wasn't the greatest idea you've ever had, dear. Lame.

Amanda's partner is acting a bit too possessive, considering he's not her boyfriend... or father. Get over it, buddy...she obviously likes that abrasive and confrontational papparazzi guy.

Everyone else is a huge yawn. I hope it gets better.

On to American Idol....

Last night was the guys, and while this is probably the best group of singers in a few seasons, it's also the most plentiful pack of males who possess Clay Aitken-calibre "gay face". Seriously, those of you with a well-honed gay-dar, are ya feelin' me?

Anyway, here's the rundown.

Chikezie (the chubby black guy in orange)
Chikezie...man...lose the zoot suit. Tacky. And too Marvin Gaye for everyone...what are you, like, 50?

Colton (the guy who says he looks like Ellen Degeneres...wtf??)
Colton who? Whatever, and your shirt was too small for you, pal.

Danny (the feminine dude with the tapered low-riders and slim tie)
Meh.

David A.(the cute, modest little 16-yr-old)
Um, hello? Could you be any cuter? I think he's going to be in the top 3, what an amazing voice. Definitely top 12.

David C. (the guy who tries to sound like Chris Daughtry)
Good performance, but dude, what's with the hair? It looks like you just got off the tilt-a-whirl. You need a stylist, and fast. Hurry! You'll be in the top 12 soon!

David H. (the Mexican-looking guy)
Yawn. OK voice, but still yawn.

Garrett (the Kalan Porter look alike)
Again, Ok voice, but a big snooze fest. Top it all with the fact that he obviously enjoys his weed. Do you think he knew where he was at?

Jason Y. (the pretty boy with the son in the audience)
Crappy song choice, but he's too good looking, there's no way he'll be voted off yet. Best example of gay face. Get used to it, he'll be in the top 12.

Jason C. (buddy with the dreadlocks)
My god dreadlocks are dirty and disgusting. He's got nice eyes, nice skin, nice teeth, a nice smile, a beautiful voice....and then these big Medusa-looking piles of dead, matted hair hanging off his skalp. Gross! I vote for a Jason Castro makeover, stat. Top 12 for sure.

Luke (the guy who looks like Dylan from Beverly Hills 90210)
Snore snore snore. See ya later, Dylan McKay.

Robbie (the former pop-tart boybander, now turned badass...*snicker*)
You didn't convince me. Good voice, but let's just all go back to the comfort zone and start pumping out a few 98 Degrees tunes, shall we? You know you want to. It doesn't matter how long you abstain from showering, even your do-rag can't erase the fact that you opened for Britney Spears. Yet probably top 12 anyway.

Michael (the Australian)
Delicious. A trip to the orthodontist wouldn't kill him, but he's got the rest of the package. Good voice, plenty of style, good looks, thank you, goodnight. Shoe-in for top 12.


One last note....Barack rules. I might even change my name to Gina MacDonald-Obama. Hillary's going down (and not in a good way).

Stay tuned tomorrow, I'll run down the AI girls.