Open Letters

(For Lillian, since I was gone for awhile)




Dear Dr. Phil:
I remember well the first time I saw you speak, it was on the Oprah Show. For Oprah Winfrey to speak to someone's genius is a good enough reason in itself for me to listen to them, and this fact, combined with your accurate assessments of so many neuroses, made me a fan of yours right from the start.
I enjoyed watching a show that dealt with regular people and the psychological and emotional issues they face. The way you broke down and explained relationship dynamics was brilliant, and your "tell them the truth even if it hurts" approach made your show an interesting and honest look at humanity.
So now tell me - what the hell happened?
I first began to smell disaster when you started with the hidden camera thing. Very Maury Pauvich of you. But when I saw the promos for "The Dr. Phil House", I could smell disaster, since the reality TV concept is a pretty desperate move. Still, I chalked it up to the necessary evil of sweeps ratings, and I kept tuning in. It is very unfortunate that things only got worse. I knew the end was near when I heard about your Britney Spears show. As soon as I saw the akin-to-A-Current-Affair-anchor-desk, you had lost me for good. Ads for that show incinuated that you would be talking live to Lynn Spears, her mother, when really you spent three minutes at the end of the program recounting a conversation you had with the elder Spears many years ago. Tsk, tsk, Phil. That's false advertising in my books.
It only went downhill from there, as I have since seen promos for a show about the OJ Simpson book and DNA paternity test results (again, very Maury Pauvich). But the last straw, I'm afraid, was the expose show about "Dog the Bounty Hunter", with special guests Al Sharpton, and the mother of the woman Dog defamed. Classic.
So in closing, I'd just like to express my deepest sympathy over the loss of your dignity and credibility.
And, if I can be so bold, the whole "holding hands with your tranny looking wife as you leave the stage" thing is less than believeable, and appears more like a contractual obligation tailored to uphold your family man image.
Very sincerely, a former fan

Dear Paris Hilton:
You're not fooling anyone with this "save the world" baloney. I realize you have been working tremendously hard on your post-convict image, but you could have just REFRAINED FROM GETTING DRUNK AND FLASHING EVERY 24 HOURS to accomplish that. It's best for all of us if you just cancel your tickets to Rwanda, admit you don't even know how to SPELL it (let alone understand or sympathize with it's problems), and leave the humanitarian schtick to Angelina Jolie and Bono. Nobody is anticipating that you'll change the world; we're all expecting you to buy the world, and then dye it pink. Stick to shopping, half-naked partying, and dressing tiny dogs in tiny dog clothes and expensive jewellery. That would be "hot".
With warm regards, Gina

Dear Celine Dion:
I attended one of your concerts a few years ago, and it was a beautiful show. You have an amazing voice and you deserve every bit of success you have acheived.
However, as much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, I doubt if the enibriated, head-banging, AC/DC-tshirt-wearing, dope-smoking, mostly-rock-fan ticket holders for the summer '08 concert in Halifax, are going to enjoy your show as much as I did.
Just giving you a head's up. I'd duck if I were you, a water bottle in the cheek is going hurt like a bugger right in the middle of "My Heart Will Go On."
Pulling for you, Gina

Dear Lynn Spears:
It has become apparent that your daughter's escapades have gotten in the way of her keeping up with her correspondence. If she had, she would have read my earlier letter warning her to get her shit together.
In case you're not aware, your beautiful and talented daughter has completely lost her effing mind. I only state the obvious because it appears as though you don't give a hoot one way or the other, and I have to assume her public embarrassment has escaped you somehow.
She lost her kids. What would be the biggest nightmare for any mother on earth, has become cause for Britney to celebrate by chandelier shopping? Cuckoo!!! I repeat, YOUR DAUGHTER'S BEHAVIOR HAS RESULTED IN CHILD SERVICES TAKING HER KIDS. That seldom happens in the real world, so what must conditions have been like for those kids in order for a judge to take them away from one of the biggest celebrities in the world? I shudder to think.
Anyway, it's about time that you grab your frequently and habitually drug-using daughter by that nasty weave of hers, drag her sorry ass back to the bayou in Louisiana, and shake the stupid out of her. Shame on you if you don't. (If you want it done, send her to me, and I'll do it for you.......for a modest fee, of course).
When K-Fed starts looking like Father of the Year, something is terribly, terribly wrong. Make your daughter clean up her act. Her career and her reputation are damaged beyond repair. You're letting her waste her life. What the hell is wrong with you people?
Best of luck, y'all, from Gina