Part One: The Red Elephants

One particular member of my household is irritated by my interest in U.S. politics, and refuses to accept that this year's election results will have any effect on my life here in Port Hawkesbury. Still, his complaining hasn't stopped me from embracing my inner geek and tuning in to CNN on a regular basis (yes, even more than usual) to follow the action. So, for those of you who don't care who wins, or who don't even know who's running, think of this as a briefing of the next three years of Saturday Night Live. I'll start Part One with a look at the Republicans.
The Republican race truly is wide open. Huckabee surprised everyone with a win in Iowa, McCain came out on top in New Hampshire, Romney took Michigan, and we haven't even reached Super Tuesday yet. Though I don't think a Republican will win the Presidency, it's fun watching them try, isn't it? Here are a few names you might recognize.

John McCain
Ah, the patriot. Not a huge departure from George W., at least in terms of "good ol' boy" attitudes and ideals. Left to Mr. McCain, an America full of gun-toting cowboys might be led to war forever and ever, Amen. I think he could make a significant contribution as Defense Secretary or Advisor to the President as to how to successfully end the war in Iraq, but at this juncture, I don't think voters are ever going to elect a relatively pro-Iraq-war candidate, who is one of the only contenders who won't commit to a timeframe for pulling troops out of the Middle East. Sorry, John. Maybe next time. (If you don't die of old age in the meantime.)


Fred Thompson
A notable name only because he's a recognizable face, this guy isn't so much a contender as he is a figure to lighten up the debates and the news coverage. You know him as Arthur Branch, the gruff District Attorney from Law & Order. His attempt to "pull a Ronald Regan" will be unsuccessful if the early primary results are any indication. A few appearances on Jay Leno won't be enough to usher him into the White House; these are tough times, and voters are looking for substance over style.
(*NOTE* - This joker decided, wisely, to drop out of the race yesterday, but I thought I'd mention him anyway)


Rudy Giuliani
I have a friend who is absolutely certain that Mr. 9/11 will be the next President, but I will be first in line to say "I told you so" in November. Giuliani's biggest mistake was waiting until the Florida primary to make any kind of effort, and letting the early momentum pass him by. Since the Republican field is so wide open, a late surge in popularity might give him a small chance at the nomination, but since a Democrat is going to win the election anyway, Giuliani is obsolete. Deliciously blunt, unconventional, and scandalous as far as potential Presidents go, but obsolete just the same.

Mitt Romney
This guy actually used to be a Democrat not so long ago, and I think his "180" is confusing a great many voters. After all, how can you be truly committed to and experienced with a certain set of morals and beliefs, if you held and practiced a completely different set for most of your life? I find it to be very wishy-washy politics, and I'm not alone. You also have to take image into consideration. "Mitt" seems like a highly appropriate name, since his face looks alarmingly like a brown, waxy catcher's mitt, likely as a result of overtanning. His uncanny resemblance to the original "Ken" doll, combined with his perceived phoniness and meager likability, will ensure that this Presidency can not be purchased by the Republican candidate who has raised the most money for his campaign.

Mike Huckabee
Huckabee plays the part of the chubby, goofy, likable candidate. Former pastor, family man, respected politician, isn't it all just bunny rabbits and rainbows with this guy. He may have been my favorite Republican, if not for the incriminating evidence I uncovered. You'll find, on YouTube, clips of a show called "Talking to Americans", on which Rick Mercer convinces people of ridiculous, untrue Canadian facts, to demonstrate how little they know about us up here. Imagine my surprise to see a 2002 clip of none other than Presidential candidate Mike Huckabee, congratulating Canada on finally building a dome to protect our National Parliamentary Igloo from global warming. I'm not joking, and neither was he. Mercer told him that our Capitol building was actually made of ice, and he went along with it, as if it were a well-known fact the world over. Would you trust matters of foreign policy and international relations to someone who thinks Canadians pass laws in an igloo? It astounds me that this clip hasn't been uncovered and thrown in his face by another candidate, because if it was, I'm sure he would withdraw and head back to Arkansas with his tail between his legs.

And that's how I see the Republican party. Stay tuned for next week's Part Two, where I run down the Democrats.