American Idol 2009

I'll ask everyone to bear with me while I indulge again this year. I know not all of you watch American Idol, but it really is my favorite television show of all time, and my weekly analysis of the performances and contestants is an annual tradition, however pathetic and unscientific. I present, AI 2009.

Matt - Have you ever seen that movie "Shallow Hal"? Where the beautiful people under hypnosis are really ugly people without? Well, Matt looks like the version of Justin Timberlake after the trance has worn off. Sorry, but it's true. He's such an incredible singer that I hate to dog him, but I can't get past his whole mangled-version-of-Justin look. And since esthetics are as important in the music industry as actual talent, looks have to factor into the whole equation and play an important part in my analysis. No matter, though, at this point. Matt is a fantastic singer, and I'm confident he'll make the top five.

Kris - Good little singer, that Kris, but he's missing a bit of swagger or something. He reminds me of a guy who might be singing on Spring Garden Road in Halifax, and while I certainly feel inclined to throw a Toonie his way, I'm not sure that's good enough for American Idol. Also, he looks identical to my brother-in-law, which is really distracting (I'm not insulting you, Colin; it just is).

Anoop - While he has a very mellow and nice John Secada-type voice, he's not a star. He could be a hit on the Carnival Princess, but not on MTV. Even sung well, performances like the ones he's been putting out won't take him much farther.

Scott - Let's face facts. Scott is legally blind which, while it certainly does not affect his singing ability, has affected the amount of votes he gets, since the AI producers have used his blindness to market him. His voice, while smooth and mildly enjoyable, is more suited to Sunday matinees at a seniors' center, not to the mainstream national stage. If he were as good as the other contestants, I'd be all for him advancing every week; but, since he's sailing through largely from sympathy votes, I think he should be making his way home soon.

Lil - Lil is a cocky little bugger who, because of the sunshine blown her way Hollywood week, thinks she's a front runner. Bearer of bad news, Lil - you're totally not. Her voice isn't nearly as good as the judges make it out to be, and she sounds like any other of the thousands of R&B singers at Def Jam records. The world does not need another Fantasia Barrino, and I'll be surprised if she makes the top five.

Danny - He's my pick to win, but only if he steps it up and doesn't let Adam get ahead of him. This guy has all the makings of a star, as long as he quits dancing. Seriously, dude, it's atrocious.

Megan - Cringe. Someone has to remind the judges that when something is unique, that means it's different, and since the music industry is full of people who can actually SING, Megan fits the "different and unique" bill to a tee. Her voice makes me want to punch myself in the face, but, quite opposite of Matt, she's so distractingly beautiful it's hard to concentrate on anything other than how she looks on the screen. Put it this way: when she sang last week, my dog, who had been sleeping, sat up and growled. Good call, Bear, I feel the same way. America's Next Top Model, sure, but not American Idol.
Alison - Although she's short on social graces and makes weird faces during her interviews with Ryan Seacrest, this girl can sang. Not sing, saaang. She's better and more commercial than Lil any day of the week, and I hope she makes it farther.

Adam - He's quickly taking the top spot, and it's well deserved - what a voice. Many people are put off by his look and his penchant for "alternative romance", but he can sing, no doubt about it. He's Freddie Mercury mixed with My Chemical Romance mixed with The Cult. I'd like to see him get second, but there's a good chance he's going to win the whole thing.

It's probably strange and abnormal how good it makes me feel to have just written that and shared it with people, regardless of whether or not those same people really care. There is something to be said about the sadness of the life of an armchair critic, but I can live with that. You never know, the Fox network might just come knocking on my door after Paula finally over-medicates and attacks Simon.