Not Welcome in Springfield

Before I even start, I'm aware of how unpopular this article is going to be, and I'm willing to live with that. I don't feel the need to cower in the corner or brandish a weapon, either. I can proudly and shamelessly admit that I hate The Simpsons.

I'll even reword it for those of you who think you must have misunderstood: I absolutely detest The Simpsons. Always have, always will.

Normally, I smile and nod and ignore people's incessant praise, quoting, reminiscing about past episodes. But in the last two weeks alone, these cartoon creatures have been featured in articles written by not one, but two, excellent journalists who I quite enjoy otherwise. Even more to my horror, I understand the entire staff of this fine newspaper are notorious Simpsons fans, an incomprehensible nightmare for someone like me. It's too late for them now. I can only hope to save some of you from the lure and mind-control of Groening propaganda.

It's not just that I don't like the show or would rather watch something else. I'm talking I loathe The Simpsons. The thought of watching even one episode makes my brain bleed.

There are shows on television that I enjoy, and others that I do not, but I don't get painted with the scarlet letter when I admit to having no use for "Dancing With the Stars", now do I? No, I don't. The only fan base who will gasp and shake their heads in disgust at the opinions of an anti-fan, is The Simpsons' loyal fan base. So bring it on, people. I'm used to it.

I've heard the whole, "their humor is just too sophisticated and smart for you to understand." Nice try, but sorry; I have two sons and I attended university, so there isn't a single thing about poop or beer that I don't understand.

Have you ever watched The Simpsons? I know most people have, myself included. I remember when it first aired, when Bart was new and fresh and the coolest guy on television. Class clowns and future delinquents the world over looked to that yellow-haired little brat for inspiration. You couldn't swing a cat without hitting someone in an "Ay-carumba!" t-shirt. "Did you watch the Simpsons last night?" was probably the most spoken phrase of 1992. I'll admit, I'm guilty of briefly riding on the Simpsons fad bandwagon myself, and I even remember watching the show one night and saying to my young, foolish self, "remember that quote, so when people ask you what your favorite Simpson's episode is, you'll have something to say." How terrible! I was such a sheep.

I shouldn't feel bad, however, because there were (and still are) plenty of sheep. You know, people who don't "get" or enjoy the show, but pretend to and watch it for the sake of keeping up with Simpsons conversation, or to increase their cool factor. I know, I can't believe I just said watching a TV show might increase someone's cool factor. I can't believe I just used the term "cool factor". See? Just reading about the Simpsons for the past twenty minutes has already made me more of a nerd.

Luckily, at least I can say my stay in Simpson-fan-land was very brief. I may only have been about eleven years old, but my foresight was spot-on.

I'm just not a fan of mindless humor. It takes more than the sight of an animated character falling down steps to make me laugh, something more elaborate than a conversation about bathroom activities, or an exclamation of, "Eat my shorts." It is this humor - The Simpsons, Family Guy, films with Will Ferrell, to site a few more examples - that has slowly but undeniably hastened and intensified the stupidity of the North American viewing public. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it's true. "D'oh" is not funny. Prank calls are not funny. Ignorance is not funny. And were it not for these ever-important staples of Simpsons humor, the show would be nothing more than an ill-behaved, snotty little devil-child, his useless, lazy, hillbilly father, and the rest of the Springfield gang, all roaming aimlessly around town hall, wondering why nobody watches their show anymore.

Now, I know all you Simpsons fans are clinging to the show's success like grim death. Even if you hate the more recent seasons with a passion, your years of viewership are an investment you're not willing to back out on now. Kudos and godspeed. But please know, there are still people in the world who haven't been sucked in by the Simpsons vortex. And I'm one of those people, so please try to limit your Mr. Burns-isms during conversation. It's really quite annoying.